Today started out much like it ended yesterday. I was unable to sleep much last night and wanted to sleep in a little late this morning. I was unable to do so. I didn't hear back from two friends I needed advice from about one of the biggest mistakes of my life. Alas this morning I heard from both, but one doesn't even know why I needed her. Because of my insomnia, I decide to send an email to explain why I needed her. The other I will answer later. Email sent, Sandra please help me....
I also hear from the friend I betrayed and she accepts my apology, but the friendship in a way has been destroyed. If not destroyed, torn to pieces. She would rather meet me than speak over the phone. I can understand her words, and they hit me a bit hard, but not as hard as mine hit her. So I deserve them. I don't answer her as I am running late to meet Angela. Will do it when I return.
Off to the gym to meet Angela. I hope that today brings a better day than yesterday ended. Cheryl keep your mouth shut. My body is a little sore from the beginning of my workout days. Angela is there when I arrive and I am grateful for the distraction of the day before. I knew we would discuss it, but hoped that she would help me through the day with words of wisdom. What can one say though that can't take back hurtful words that tore through the heart of a friend. Not too much, but just reassured me that it could be repaired.
Bike riding in the gym went very fast talking to my friend. We do a little more workout downstairs with the machines and then on our way we go to our "outing". This one will turn out different from yesterdays. I learned a very important lesson from that one. Off we go to our favorite stomping ground where I spend money, but not spend money. I have gift cards. I get more scrap booking stuff. Let's get that organized please!!!
Get my car, Pathmark and drive Angela home. I have still not written to my friend. I reread all or conversations and cringe again at what has transpired the last two days. I tell her how much I appreciate her forgiveness and ask that she not let go of the idea of one day regaining the friendship we once shared. It may not ever happen, but you have to take the bad with the good. My hope is that it does not alienate her from doing things as a group with the other girls. One friend says she will not attend our next event. I will try to persuade her to still come for them. Not for me.
I bought her the things that she wanted from one of the stores we were in, as a gesture of hope to get us at least to a point where we can still get together as a group. The items in no way can ever take away the pain that I caused, but it is something I wanted to do. I hope she accepts them. I have not gotten a response and am hoping that she her forgiveness was altered by speaking with other friends about what I had done and they tell her to let me go. If so, then that is a just punishment.
I know I am beating myself up for this dearly, but I absolutely am so sorry that I did this to anyone, let alone my friend.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Sunday, January 9, 2011
DISCONTINUED
Well what can I say. What I tried to do in writing EVERY DAY didn't work, but I will continue to write when I can and get back on the right track to every day. So here's the scoop for today. Along with some feelings.
This has to be one of the worst days of my life. DO NOT HIT REPLY UNLESS YOU SEE WHO IT IS GOING TO!! Strongly suggested right? Well, I should listen to a lot of what my mother probably taught me that I discussed very recently with my daughter. "If you don't have anything nice to say.....don't say anything at all"! It should be a law. But then again, I would be in jail, just where my mouth/fingers should be.
I hurt a friend terribly today by writing things in a message on FB that I thought was only between her and I. I had not seen that it was a thread between three people. Well after writing very "mean girl" words about a friend, I inadvertently hit the reply button and in that instant that I hit it, saw REPLY ALL out of the corner of my eye. OMG I scream. I have to delete this!!! How do I unsend a message...children coming running in as I am crying/yelling as if someone died. Well, in essence I did! I died of embarrassment, fright, and shear panic. TOO LATE! She has an IPHONE, it will go right there.
No response, oh maybe I was able to delete it. NOT, there is absolutely no way to do it. She got it....wait she hasn't answered. Maybe it was a miracle, God you saved me.....let me send another to see if she is reading messages. Panic sets in more....I need the bathroom, I am going to be sick...what do I do????? Someone please help me......message 1.....oh dear she did read it.....she is angry and hurt I can see right from her message. I ask to speak with her directly not on FB, she doesn't want to talk. I apologize profusely hoping for a response. Still nothing. I can't sleep, and stop thinking of it. I keep talking to myself about what I did, and keep shaking my head. How could I one, be so careless about sending this message, and two, why did I write it. It was so hurtful and how would I feel if I read something like this about me. ughhhh I hate myself.
On another note, Stephen has been acting very strange these last few days. I am not sure exactly what is going on. He is not really going to meetings anymore and I feel he needs them not only for help in continuing his sobriety, but to help him deal with whatever is on his mind. He is not actually angry, but being this angry person with a twist of sarcasm. Is he angry about something? If he is kidding around, I am actually getting a little annoyed now with it. Everything I say to him has a sarcastic angry type answer. I ask what is going on and he says nothing. He does talk at some points, but then goes back to the same way.
Sometimes when I try to talk to him he what I believe makes like he doesn't hear me. I don't know if he really doesn't or he is just tuning me out. I try not to be on the computer so much, but if you are not going to talk to me, then what am I doing sitting here with you.
He may be a little angry that we have not been intimate, but I can't really be loving when you are acting this way. I have expressed that to him, but it hasn't really changed.
I am not quite sure what to do. Give me a few more days. The act of unkindness has taken me to another place.
This has to be one of the worst days of my life. DO NOT HIT REPLY UNLESS YOU SEE WHO IT IS GOING TO!! Strongly suggested right? Well, I should listen to a lot of what my mother probably taught me that I discussed very recently with my daughter. "If you don't have anything nice to say.....don't say anything at all"! It should be a law. But then again, I would be in jail, just where my mouth/fingers should be.
I hurt a friend terribly today by writing things in a message on FB that I thought was only between her and I. I had not seen that it was a thread between three people. Well after writing very "mean girl" words about a friend, I inadvertently hit the reply button and in that instant that I hit it, saw REPLY ALL out of the corner of my eye. OMG I scream. I have to delete this!!! How do I unsend a message...children coming running in as I am crying/yelling as if someone died. Well, in essence I did! I died of embarrassment, fright, and shear panic. TOO LATE! She has an IPHONE, it will go right there.
No response, oh maybe I was able to delete it. NOT, there is absolutely no way to do it. She got it....wait she hasn't answered. Maybe it was a miracle, God you saved me.....let me send another to see if she is reading messages. Panic sets in more....I need the bathroom, I am going to be sick...what do I do????? Someone please help me......message 1.....oh dear she did read it.....she is angry and hurt I can see right from her message. I ask to speak with her directly not on FB, she doesn't want to talk. I apologize profusely hoping for a response. Still nothing. I can't sleep, and stop thinking of it. I keep talking to myself about what I did, and keep shaking my head. How could I one, be so careless about sending this message, and two, why did I write it. It was so hurtful and how would I feel if I read something like this about me. ughhhh I hate myself.
On another note, Stephen has been acting very strange these last few days. I am not sure exactly what is going on. He is not really going to meetings anymore and I feel he needs them not only for help in continuing his sobriety, but to help him deal with whatever is on his mind. He is not actually angry, but being this angry person with a twist of sarcasm. Is he angry about something? If he is kidding around, I am actually getting a little annoyed now with it. Everything I say to him has a sarcastic angry type answer. I ask what is going on and he says nothing. He does talk at some points, but then goes back to the same way.
Sometimes when I try to talk to him he what I believe makes like he doesn't hear me. I don't know if he really doesn't or he is just tuning me out. I try not to be on the computer so much, but if you are not going to talk to me, then what am I doing sitting here with you.
He may be a little angry that we have not been intimate, but I can't really be loving when you are acting this way. I have expressed that to him, but it hasn't really changed.
I am not quite sure what to do. Give me a few more days. The act of unkindness has taken me to another place.
Monday, January 3, 2011
LUNCH WITH A FRIEND
I think I need to readjust my schedule somehow. I stay up way......too late and find myself very tired when I get up. I just about walk my dogs and then feel like I have to sit on the couch and veg a little. I know I need to get back to the gym, but a promise made for today and my repeated staying up late, will keep me from going again. I love my friend Ursula, she has a heart of gold and I am so glad that I have found her. I hope that I am a friend she wants to keep. We went to Target to get her "old fashioned" radio today and she offered to buy me one. I love her. Take me out to lunch instead. So we did. I should have gone home to clean my house.
I came home and did some of that, with a little tiredness behind it, but I need to get myself going. Didn't cook dinner as I had lunch so late. Ahhh everyone fend for yourselves.
Scrap booking is around the corner and again I know I will be scrambling to get my things together. Two years and I still haven't finished Jenny and Chris' book. Ughhhh...get your act together. I have to babysit for the next 4 days, so I won't get much done. Maybe I can take Megan over to my house and get some things done.
Enough for now, tomorrow another day.
I came home and did some of that, with a little tiredness behind it, but I need to get myself going. Didn't cook dinner as I had lunch so late. Ahhh everyone fend for yourselves.
Scrap booking is around the corner and again I know I will be scrambling to get my things together. Two years and I still haven't finished Jenny and Chris' book. Ughhhh...get your act together. I have to babysit for the next 4 days, so I won't get much done. Maybe I can take Megan over to my house and get some things done.
Enough for now, tomorrow another day.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
KEEPING ON TRACK
Things are doing ok. Dinner with the hubby at our favorite Mexican resturant. Hubby acting a bit strange in not really having much to say, but my new attitude is "whatever". He only talks to me as if he is annoyed, but in a kidding way. Don't really know how to deal with that, but will just keep on going. Stayed up way too late again and am very tired. Kids doing ok....wow a boring day.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
A NEW YEAR
Today starts what everyone starts at the beginning of the new year. New Year(s) resolutions. One is to write in this blog for 365 days, everyday. I would also like to do a picture a day. That one I may not get to.
Today starts a new year of a new me also. I am going to change my ways in many ways. I want to lose some weight, get back in shape, get back to the gym. Change my eating habits to a healthier me. Take my vitamins everyday and get my health back in order. With that I am also going to change my mind set also. I want to not be so sensitive to the words and actions of other. Get a thicker skin.
I will write most days of my life with my children who I would originally would say are teenagers, but are really adults. I will fill in old posts of what transpired over the holiday season that made this past Christmas one of the worst Christmas' of my life.
But....today I start on a good note. Kids are good, life is good. I am happy now. Everyone is getting along and being respectful....ahhh what a way to start.
I am hoping to get not only my life in order but my home. Purging all of the junk that I have "hoarded" into all the closets and any open spaces available. At writing it is a bit too late to start that today. Tomorrow is another day.
I thank God for helping me through the rough times and ask him to stay with me and guide me through my days ahead.
Love you all.
Today starts a new year of a new me also. I am going to change my ways in many ways. I want to lose some weight, get back in shape, get back to the gym. Change my eating habits to a healthier me. Take my vitamins everyday and get my health back in order. With that I am also going to change my mind set also. I want to not be so sensitive to the words and actions of other. Get a thicker skin.
I will write most days of my life with my children who I would originally would say are teenagers, but are really adults. I will fill in old posts of what transpired over the holiday season that made this past Christmas one of the worst Christmas' of my life.
But....today I start on a good note. Kids are good, life is good. I am happy now. Everyone is getting along and being respectful....ahhh what a way to start.
I am hoping to get not only my life in order but my home. Purging all of the junk that I have "hoarded" into all the closets and any open spaces available. At writing it is a bit too late to start that today. Tomorrow is another day.
I thank God for helping me through the rough times and ask him to stay with me and guide me through my days ahead.
Love you all.
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